SCENE: THE YEAR 2374. A SPACE DOUBLESPACETREE SPACEHOTEL BALL 
 ROOM. THE SPACE ARCHAEOLOGY CONFERENCE IS HOLDING ITS ANNUAL 
 CONVENTION, AND THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER IS, OF COURSE, DR. 
 CLAIRMONT MCTURBEAUX.

 CHAIRMAN
 Welcome ladies, gentlemen, space ladies, 
 and space gentlemen to the Annual Space 
 Archaeology Convention. We sure hope 
 2374's convention will be as exciting as 
 2373's. And I'd especially like to thank 
 everyone who braved the meteor shower and 
 mutant sky turtle attacks to be with us 
 tonight, here on the lovely Los Feliz 
 Islands. I don't know which are worse!

 restrained laughter from crowd

 CHAIRMAN (cont'd)
 I'd like to just jump right in and 
 introduce our highly respected keynote 
 speaker, Dr. Clairmont McTurbeaux!

 McTurbeaux approaches the podium to much applause.

 MCTURBEAUX
 Thank you. Thank you very much. My 
 colleagues, this year I am very excited to 
 announce an important new breakthrough in 
 our understanding of one of the most 
 misunderstood periods in history, the 
 20th century. As you know, the Great 
 Scrambling of 2166 and the Grand Jostle 
 of 2290 left nearly all 20th century 
 records and artifacts in a severe state 
 of disorder. However, thanks to new 
 interpolation methods developed by my 
 colleagues at the University of Barstow 
 (go Genetically-modified KillRats!) I 
 believe I have encountered something 
 amazing.

 oohs and aahs from crowd

 MCTURBEAUX (cont'd)
 I think I have finally uncovered the 
 story behind some of the most perplexing 
 events of the 20th century. 
 Often our artifacts and fragments of 
 records mention such fascinating and 
 exotic concepts or events as "Watergate", 
 "the web", "cabbage patch kids", "freak-
 outs" and "the Macarena." I think I am 
 finally at the brink of a unified theory 
 that would tie some of the 20th century's 
 most common strands together. To 
 illustrate my hypothesis, I have 
 programmed the following holographic 
 simulation. Here now, is my hypothesis.

 

 Lights down, then up, maybe colored, to indicate the 
 following is a holographic projection.

 HOLOGRAPH VOICE OVER
 The year: 1962. The place: Castle of the 
 Prime Presidential Minister of the United 
 Americas, Richard Petty Nixon.

 NIXON
 (into intercom on desk) Ms. Lewinsky, has 
 Secretary Hitler arrived yet?

 MS.LEWINSKY
 No, Prime President Nixon, he hasn't. His 
 Model T Concorde has yet to receive 
 clearance for landing. Shall I email you 
 when he arrives? 

 NIXON
 Yes, please do. And contact him on his 
 cellular CB. Get his 10-20 and instruct 
 him to book here as fast as possible!

 FRANK SINATRA
 Mr. Prime President, are you busy?

 NIXON
 No, of course not, Mr. Sinatra. Come in, 
 come in. Is that Mr. Edison with you?

 THOMAS EDISON
 Yes, sir, hello.

 FRANK SINATRA
 I'm afraid we don't have much time for 
 visiting, Mr. Prime President. We have 
 news of the Cold War.

 NIXON
 Oh? What's going on?

 FRANK SINATRA
 They've taken back the McDonald's Ice 
 Shelf, sir. We may lose the battle for 
 Antartica after all. 

 NIXON
 Damn. What did they say?

 FRANK SINATRA
 Well, Princess Di of Moscow declared her 
 intention to keep fighting for control of 
 the poles. She also still plans to marry 
 Groucho Marks aboard the Sputnik later 
 this month.

 NIXON
 It's looking pretty grim, gentlemen. Word 
 to your mother. Word to ALL our mothers.

 THOMAS EDISON
 Maybe not so grim, sir.

 NIXON
 What do you mean, Edison?

 THOMAS EDISON
 We may have an unanticipated advantage. 
 Our genetic engineers, using computers 
 and the internet and robots and 
 televisions, have had considerable 
 success lately: you've seen what we've 
 accomplished with the Pokemons and 
 Cabbage Patch Kids.

 NIXON
 Oh yes. The Pokemon army is our best, 
 freshest hope right now. That and break 
 dancing.

 THOMAS EDISON
 Very true. But we think we may have come 
 up with something better...a new 
 solution-

 NIXON
 A new solution? Dy-no-MITE! Do go on-

 HITLER
 Greetings, Prime President!

 NIXON
 Mr. Hitler, thank God you're here. Things 
 are looking grim.

 HITLER
 More than you think, sir. The Boy Scouts 
 and the Greasers have control of the 
 Senate. 

 NIXON
 And what about the Communists?

 HITLER
 They declined statehood, sir.

 NIXON
 Then it looks like we're on our own. Get 
 Roosevelt on the microwave-- tell him 
 what's going on, and make sure you let 
 Marilyn Monroe in on this. We might need 
 her A-Bomb. And keep Muhammed Ali out of 
 this!

 HITLER
 Yes, sir. 

 MS.LEWINSKY
 Prime President Nixon? The Fonz is on the 
 line, sir. He wants to know if you've 
 heard the good news.

 NIXON
 Good news? What good news? What's going 
 on?

 THOMAS EDISON
 Sir, I can explain. I was about to tell 
 you before Mr.Hitler arrived. I think 
 we've perfected Hippies.

 NIXON
 What! I was told that couldn't be done!

 THOMAS EDISON
 It wasn't easy, sir, but I think we've 
 done it. Like I say, invention is 90% 
 perspiration--in this case that was even 
 more important.

 NIXON
 So this means...

 FRANK SINATRA
 That we're gonna win the Cold War and 
 show those Californian bozos how we do 
 things on Tranquility Base!

 HITLER
 The summer of love is upon us!

 NIXON
 Yes, gentlemen, our time is at hand. 
 Victory will soon be ours. And I christen 
 that victory: WATERGATE!

 

 (maybe?) Lights down, then back to normal, as the hologram is 
 over.

 MCTURBEAUX
 Thank you for your time. Those of you 
 interested can get a full 91-hour 
 holoreenactment of other key 20th century 
 events on Betamax. Good night.