TV Reunion Shows We Must See

There are times I think I watch too much TV. Yet this is the time of year I'm supposed to watch too much TV: the May Sweeps. Yes, that magical time when every network pulls out the stops, programming-wise. Made-for-TV movies on current events, season finales, show finales... it's the time for all the great TV moments to be born.

There is a sweeps staple, though, that is sadly missing this year... the Old-TV-Show reunion movie. You know, like "Return to Mayberry," or "I Still Dream of Jeannie" or some crazy stuff like that. It's a chance to see all those old wacky characters again, except much, much older! Here's some reunion movies I wish they'd make:

"The A-Team: One More Mission"-- After the death of their beloved leader Hannibal, the remaining members-- Face, Murdock, and B.A.-- have been mired in a decade-long funk. In a twist of fate only seen in reunion movies, their long-time nemesis Colonel Decker teams up with the fugitives to find his kidnapped granddaughter. Also, Murdock acts like a jackass again.

"Holy Crap! I'd Forgotten About Manimal!" -- This would be an old episode of Manimal, interspersed with footage of people, both famous and not, staring at the screen and exclaiming that they had completely forgotten about this NBC program.

"Joanie Doesn't Love Chachi So Much Any More"-- Here's a divorce story so venomous, you'll swear "Kramer vs. Kramer" was the sitcom.

"The Honeymooners: Is Anyone Still Alive?"-- This two-hour special would open with an empty Honeymooners set. If any of the original cast members show up, they'll get a standing ovation.

"The Dynasty Hags"-- Thrill to the sight of Joan Collins' 6th facelift! Gasp at the botched cosmetic surgery of Linda Evans, giving her the illusion of decomposing right before your eyes! As for the story, does it really matter?

"AfterAfterM*A*S*H"-- Father Mulcahy and Radar and Klinger sit around their V.A. hospital and write letters back home, wondering where the heck all these Vietnam vets came from.

"The Tic-Tac-Dough Movie"-- Wink Martindale leads a plucky group of contestants through a lame-ass trivia game disguised as the world's most tedious game. Through a heated contract dispute, the original Dragon refused to attend, and was replaced by Howie Mandel.

"The Fish Reunion"-- There's no plot, just a way for Abe Vigoda to show everyone he's still alive.