My Wife Is Mad at Me
A Story by Galen Black

My wife is mad at me.

She blames me because we don’t have enough videotape of our kid growing up. It’s not my fault. Every time we go on a family outing, I find out that video cameras are not allowed.

We went to an NHL hockey match, my kid's first, but the arena didn’t allow video photography. When we went to see the LA Clippers play the Portland Trailblazers, I couldn’t tape because the NBA forbids any recording devices at games. Worst yet, my camera was taken away from me when I was taping at my child’s fifth birthday party. Seems the Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen’s Club has a policy against cameras, too. Everybody says the same thing, “Serves you right. You shouldn’t be taking your kid to a strip club.” Well, just for the record, I didn’t take him. He stayed at home with his mom and had a substitute party. I would never take my son to a “titty bar”. He’s gay. The only reason I didn’t have the party at a homosexual place was I got tired of telling people I was married during his third birthday bash at the Tomcat gay porno theater. I told my wife that homosexuals wouldn’t hit on me if she and the kid were with me. She said a porno house was no place for a child. If that's true, then why did her mother send the kid money for the movie in his birthday card.

I think my wife still resents the fact that I wasn’t at home when she went into labor and I missed taping the birth of our son. She went into labor two weeks before she was due and I was out of town on a fishing trip. As soon as she called my cell phone and told me what was going on, I put on my pants and asked those three girls to drive me home. If I had known they were going to abandon me in the woods when I told them I was married, I would have waited until they were asleep, stolen their car and driven myself home. I ended up hitch-hiking for two days, so I could be at home when my wife and child were released from the hospital. I never even got a thank you.

And she’s mad at me! Go figure.