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| by Jason Torchinsky |
What is sexy? Everyone wants to know, and what better place to turn than to a geeky sketch comedy group's website for answers? I have given the subject of what is sexy much long, careful, and sweaty thought, including lots of research involving periodicals, but I honestly can't say I have any definitive answers as to just what is sexy. But, I haven't wasted all that time and effort: I think I've got a pretty good idea of what isn't sexy.
See, I figure knowing what isn't sexy is at least halfway to knowing what is. And, knowing what isn't sexy isn't as easy as it seems: for everything you think isn't sexy, there's probably some weirdo out there who thinks it is very, very sexy. For example, I was using my formula to determine sexiness, which involves saying: "That's sexy. [insert variable here] sexy!" to figure out what is and isn't sexy.
I tried 4-H clubs (That's sexy. 4-H club sexy!) and thought that sounded pretty unsexy, until I started thinking about 4-H clubs and farmgirls and braids and tanned skin and Daisy Duke cutoffs, and next thing you know I was in the bathroom, making another offer to almighty Onan. And things like discarded footwear (That's sexy. Discarded footwear sexy!) seem unsexy until you look on the internet and see all those people really into discarded footwear.
So, in the end, I think I finally came up with a list of things that really really are not sexy:
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That's sexy. Carpet store sexy! |
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That's sexy. Post Office sexy! |
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That's sexy. Don Knotts sexy! |
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That's sexy. Geology sexy! |
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That's sexy. Poured concrete sexy! |
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That's sexy. Pine-scented sexy! |
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That's sexy. Lichen sexy! |
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That's sexy. Double-entry bookkeeping sexy! |
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That's sexy. Insurance sexy! |
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That's sexy. Lineolium samples sexy! |
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That's sexy. Glass cleaner sexy! |
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That's sexy. Sci-fi convention sexy! |
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That's sexy. Cold hospital waiting room sexy! |
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That's sexy. Golf joke book sexy! |
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That's sexy. Fishmarket sexy! |
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That's sexy. Anyone's grandma sexy! |
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That's sexy. Paper mill sexy! |
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That's sexy. County courthouse sexy! |
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That's sexy. Tile grout sexy! |
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That's sexy. Undernourished, dehydrated puppy sexy! |
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That's sexy. Doorstop sexy! |
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That's sexy. Pinecone sexy! |
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That's sexy. Smart & Final sexy! |
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That's sexy. Chamber of Commerce sexy! |
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That's sexy. Sketch comedy group sexy! |
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