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| by Jason Torchinsky |
One thing everyone should know about me is that I'm the sort of guy who has visions. Waking dreams. Gripping, all-encompassing, bladder-voiding visions. They appear unannounced, briefly command every fiber of my attention, then suddenly leave. Usually this happens while I'm driving, causing me no end of median-screeching and plate-glass window shattering. Lately, all of my visions have been simply newspaper headlines, coming from the year 2001. Since it's now 2001, I feel compelled to share what I've been witnessing.
So, I present to you, with no attempt made to explain how or why, the newspaper headlines I've been seeing:
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| Bush Apologizes, Pledges to Rebuild White House |
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Florida to unveil this year's Big Thing
Can they follow up Elian and 2000 election debacle? |
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| Disney Takes Over Florida State Government |
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Firestone tire saves boy's life
'I just wanted to help,' says concerned radial |
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| Body "Definitely" Brittany Spears' Say Angolan Authorities |
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| Dick Cheney: The Complete Autopsy Report |
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| Nation gripped by "Where's the Beef: 2001" mania |
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ISS Crew Very Much In Love
Historic 3-way space wedding planned |
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| Cabbage Patch Kids Denied Comeback |
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Comet Definitely Headed Right For Us, Says NORAD
"And it looks pretty pissed" |
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| Pope eats 31 hot dogs at Vatican-area street fair |
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| The Snuff Fad: Is It Safe? |
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| Demi Moore Sneezes Self Into Hospital in Another Snuff-Related Incident |
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| Madonna Wedding Fraud: Rabbi Was Not Officially Ordained |
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| Most Americans Claim to Enjoy Newly Developed Colors |
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| Poll: Brokaw's "Fuck that old grandma" comment out of line? |
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Biggest Mattress Sale EVER Happening Now!
(from advertising supplement) |
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| Charles Schultz not really dead, just bored out of fucking skull |
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| Anwar Sadat Still Dead, Egyptian |
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GM Can't Keep Up With Demand for Pontiac Azteks
"Please, everyone remain calm-- we'll make enough" |
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| Aliens Determined To Be From Ursa Minor, Ugly |
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| Tits Named This Year's Ass |
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| Gore's Standoff Enters Day 44 |
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