PART V
by Galen Black



Backyard BBQ Branding Iron
By a show of hands, how many out there would be tempted to use one of these branding irons on a beloved family pet. The key word here is tempted. Only a really sick freak would hog tie their cat and sear their initials into the left hindquarter of Fluffy. This would be the same type of person who would brand their steaks at cookouts. Now if the brand could be customized to have those cute sayings that come on Valentine heart candy, then I'd be all for it. Imagine a juicy, mouth watering T-Bone with the phrase, "U R A QT" branded on to it. If that doesn't melt the heart of your love, nothing will thaw that icy core.

Replica Guitar CD/Stereo
The caption of this "beauty" says, "If you always wanted to play the guitar..." Let me finish that statement for the writers of the magazine, "You still won't be able to!" The world knows there is only one cool red, white and blue guitar in the world and it hangs around the neck of Buck Owens and plays great old Country and Western tunes from his heart. It does not hang on a wall and play Enya from a 4 inch speaker.

Personal Cooling System
Here's an item that is designed to keep you cooler, but does it? The amount of coolness you gain from this contraption is more than offset by the amount of coolness you lose by being seen in public wearing this thing around your neck. You're body's temperature may drop a few degrees, but your body's ability to attract a mate will almost vanish. Ask yourself, do I want to be cooler or cool. I do think this device has a purpose, it makes a perfect prop for any low budget, sci-fi thriller set in a futuristic prison. Roger Corman, take note.

The Metal Overalls and Tennies Planter
It takes a lot of work or a lot of neglect to make flowers and plants look ugly. These planters don't stop at ugly, they make flora down right frightening. I can't look at these planters without thinking, "dead kid." I get sad and a wierd creepy vibe goes up my spine when I look at these overall planters. This is the image I get when I imagine the inside of a kid's coffin after the body has rotted away. Ewwwwwww!!

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