My Left Hand

by Rob Terrell

Let's face it. The Van Gogh-Goghs are a pack of morons. Re-Res. Tards. We're dumb as a sack of hammers. We're basically pithed, shaved monkeys.

Proof of the fact that I'm a moron and also on the subject of shaving, at VGG Headquarters last week I asked, "What would happen if I put Rogaine on my hand? Would it get, like, super-hairy and all?"

We marvelled at the idea of the back of my hand covered in a thick, luxurious mane of easily-managed hair. That Rogaine stuff is easily available without a prescription these days from any supermarket or drug store. So it can't be bad for you. Not all that bad, at least. Well, hopefully it won't cause any permanent damage. It can't cause any more damage than the traditional method of growing hair on the other side of the hand, right?

So, as an ongoing feature, I will be applying Rogaine to the back of my hand every day and taking a snapshot every so often. I'll also be trying Rogaine out on other things around the house: slices of bread, a houseplant, and if I can get five minutes alone with it, my neighbor's dog. Photos will be taken. Permanent records will be kept. At the end, there will be a time-lapse QuickTime movie of what I hope will prove to be a successful growth of thick, luxurious hair.