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The Six Of One Party (SOOP)
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Click here to see the profiles of the losers and analysis of the SOOP primary election.
ANALYSIS
When it comes the Six Of One Party (SOOP), the big question is: what happened? The SOOP turned out to be a moribund, decrepit party of Depends-wearing rest homers that no longer had any relevance to voters of today. SOOP officials were quick to blame the open primary system, where Internet voters were required to vote for a candidate in each party. The SOOP claimed M*A*S*H and H-DOOP voters hijacked their primary, skewing the results and shutting out more charismatic candidates such as Jack Nicholson. Our in-depth analysis revealed the true reason for their stunning defeat: the nostalgia gap. Alda and the M*A*S*H party cornered the old tv show nostalgia vote and never looked back or let go. The M*A*S*H Party had better organization, a better network, more Geocities fansites, and were better able to rally their supporters. Even pairing the stars of two different shows, Rockford and Newhart, did not give the SOOP enough star power wattage to outshine the war dramedy M*A*S*H veterans. To the public, faced with the choice, it was no choice: Nick at Nighters and TV Landians defected from the SOOP party in droves, throwing their support behind the Alda/Swit ticket. Even Alda's lack of movie experience did not hinder his complete and utter disemboweling of the Six Of One Party.
Political and Hollywood insiders think the SOOP's last gasp was in fact a death rattle and that the party will disband before the corpse is even cold. Final story? The SOOP got M*A*S*HED.
photo from the
Internet Movie Database
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James Garner
Born James Scott Bumgarner on April 7, 1928, Norman, Oklahoma
Presidential Qualifications: Portrayed former President Matt Douglas in "My Fellow Americans"
Governance
Strength: He was the creator and ruler of the entire universe. (God, the Devil and Bob)
Weakness: As God, may be confronted by tough questions like "Why do you allow suffering," "Why did you bury all of those dinosaur bones," and "What are the male nipples for?" Voters may not buy stock "free will" answers.
Crime and Justice
Strength: Fought crime as private detective Philip Marlowe (Marlowe) and P.I. Jim Rockford. (The Rockford Files)
Weakness: Supported crime as Chicago gangster King Marchand (Victor, Victoria). As a sheriff of small western town he hires the town derelict to be deputy. (Support Your Local Sheriff!) He played Wyatt Earp and may use power of office to wage personal wars (Hour of the Gun).
Military Experience
Strength: As Lieutenant Bob "The Scrounger" Hendley, helped pull off World War Two's most successful escape from a Nazi P.O.W. camp. (The Great Escape)
Personal Behavior
Weakness: Jim Rockford lives alone in a trailer on beach in Malibu, California. That's just kind of sad.
Weakness: Wandered American West as a rogue gambler. (Maverick)
Bob Newhart
Born George Robert Newhart on September 5, 1929, Oak Park, Illinois
Presidential Qualifications: Portrayed U.S. President Manfred Link in First Family.
Leadership
Strength: He ran a successful country inn in Vermont, wrote several travel books and hosted his own Public Television show. (Newhart).
Weakness: As head of a cigarette company, he resorted to questionable tactics to keep people smoking. (e.g. dropped cigarettes from a helicopter onto people trying to quit) (Cold Turkey)
Crime and Justice
Weakness: Accepted a little girl as a "marker" for a gambling debt. (Little Miss Marker)
Military Experience
Strength: Served country during WW2 (Hell is For Heroes and Catch 22)
Family Values:
Weakness: Has very detailed dreams of being married to someone other than his wife. (Newhart: Final Episode)
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