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| by Jason Torchinsky |
In the exciting, vibrant world of crude stereotypes, Los Angeles often comes across as a land of wealthy, New Age dipshits and ninnies, jetting about between yoga classes and vegan restaurants in a convertible Mercedes while talking to a therapist on a cell phone. While this can be a fun image, I often find myself wondering just where the hell it came from, as I drive through Los Angeles in a 30-year-old car, passing innumerable burger joints, taco stands, massage parlors and industrial metal rechroming shops.
But then I pick up a copy of The Learning Annex course catalog, and it all becomes clear.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Learning Annex, picture a local community college. Okay, now, picture the staff composed of many has-been writers, actors, directors and yogis. Now, instead of students, cram it full of gullible morons who have no real clue as to how to spend their money. And, hell, since we're picturing all this, now picture the whole thing in a big, filthy mudslide. Yes, yes, just like that.
Anyway, to give an idea what the classes are like at the Learning Annex, I've selected some course listings to share with you. I'm not making these up.
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Mackenzie Phillips is teaching a class on how to survive in showbiz. Mackenzie Phillips. Mackenzie Phillips who now is doing acne infomercials at 3 am. Mackenzie Phillips whose last great brush with fame was being mistaken for Kristy McNichol at a Wal-Mart. |
| I can't think of anything worse than a "magical moment" with this supremely creepy man. |
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I can bend a spoon with my hands, and I'll challenge Marla Brucker, Ph.D. (pictured) to a spoon-bending contest any day. I got $500 that says my hands can outspoonbend your brain any day. Bring it on. |
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| Honestly, I'm not really interested in what my dog is thinking. I can tell pretty well already. It's usually "Hey! I found something! I wonder if I can put it in my mouth?" or "Dear god, I'm so fucking hungry I can't fucking stand it holy fucking shit if I don't eat soon I'm gonna loose my shit!" and occasionally "Hey! I'm a dog! A dog! Did you hear that, world I'M A DOG!!!!!" |
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| "The rich are going to marry..why not you?" Why not? Because you're a gold-digging harpy who took a freaking class on how to marry someone rich. Imagine the delightful stories you can tell the kids about how Mommy and Daddy met. |
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I'm visualizing an auditorium full of morons willing to pay me to spout bullshit. |
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