Behold... from the Ghost of Easters Past... The Decoregger!

Posted by Theo at 02:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Because if there's one thing Jesus understands, it's how hard it is to get out of bed on the Sunday after Good Friday. Am I right, people? Go ahead, sleep in. How much different does the sun look at 6am than 10am? Besides, it's Easter it's not like there are gonna be presents or anything. Maybe some candy and eggs, but nothing cool like a racing set or a Barbie.

Posted by Theo at 12:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Bootleg Simpsons Finger Puppets!!!

Dat's right. We don't give a rat's ass what Matt Groening or FOX thinks!!! We just went out and bought us some damn bootleg Simpsons finger puppets cause we're baaad asses!!! (Bootleg Simpsons finger puppets model's identity protected cause he's not a bad ass. At all. He just has pretty hands. Which is kind of a waste when you're modeling finger puppets when you think about it, really. The fingers are all covered up. Crap, we could have done this ourselves without shelling out a high two figures for the hand model. Dammit!)

Posted by Theo at 11:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Hey! It's Valentine's time! And in the current VGG tradition of barely updating this site with old content, ghost-ship style, here's another bit of holiday fun from a former day of what we assumed was glory.

Valentine Cards, of the disappointing virtual variety, suitable for sending to an alleged sweetie as your way of saying, "I barely care about this holiday– for eternity, my love, eternity!"

Posted by Theo at 04:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

California in the 1970s. 'Nuff said!

Posted by Theo at 09:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

In celebration of the birth of our Lord, Santa Christ, we share with you the spirit of the season! HA HA! Now we don't have to get you a real present! Chump! Hey, it was either this or macrame. You're lucky you're not getting an ashtray made out of Play-Doh, like Mom. Enjoy with our compliments-
Love,
The Van Gogh-Goghs

Double-Ho-Seven

Feelin' Scrooge-y? Den fizzuck dat Chriznismas Schnizzle and get your Grinch on: How to Ruin Christmas!

Tis the season! For cheap nostalgia of Christmases past! Our Most Memorable Presents!

Bring on the booze! Ah, sweet delicious booze... What better way to consume it than by playing our Holiday TV Specials Drinking Games!

Want to see Santa on Christmas morning? Leave him a batch of our special Santa Claus Knockout Cookies!

Not sure if you're getting coal or presents this year? Sounds like you better take our Naughty or Nice Quiz!

Crashing the TV

How to Prevent a Santa Invasion

Jason's Christmas Memories He Never Really Had

What Christmas Means to Mythical Creatures

Santa's Land!

The Twelve Stores of Christmas

Van Gogh-Goghs in Secret Santa Fraud Scandal

Van Gogh-Goghs to Participate in Ritualized Capitalist Excess

Holiday Season Marketing Effort

Winter Holidays Announce Three-Way Strategic Merger

Posted by Theo at 10:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Much has been written about the mythic figure of Santa Claus, but one question remains. What brand of cigarettes does Santa prefer? Or to put it another way: WWSS? What would Santa smoke? Here's your answer folks: Chesterfields! So if you choose to smoke, and you want Santa to come to YOUR house, why not forgo the milk and cookies, and leave out a carton of Santa' favorite brand o' smokes, Chesterfield! Hey, Santa dropped the pipe ages ago, my friend. Do you know how hard it is to load a pipe in a crowded, jostling sled while rocketing through the air past the speed of sound? Santa ruined many a pair of good pants that way. He almost switched to dip, but then some elf turned him on to the smooth rich flavor of Chesterfields, the cigarette that really pleases your T-Zone!

ADDENDUM!
Dammit Santa! You whore!

Posted by Theo at 09:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Dear Santa,

Hello, it's The Van Gogh-Goghs again. We've been very, very good this year. We didn't get into ANY fights with crystal meth users in public parks, we didn't steal ANY high school mascot costumes, and didn't even so much as PLAN to firebomb Scientologist buildings. So Santa, because we've been so good this year, we wanted to ask you for a very special present. No, not a puppy. We know that we need to wait until we're older and more responsible before we can handle a puppy. No, what we would dearly, DEARLY love this Christmas is if just once, just ONCE, we could spark a World Wide Web-wide meme. An honest to God, out of control, annoying, meaningless meme on the scale of the Hampster Dance, "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" or the LOLcats. Oh please please PLEASE PUH-LEASE!!! It can be our Christmas AND birthday present!! We won't want anything for our birthday if you get us this!!!
Honest!!!

We even have the perfect image for it! A piece of cardboard from some cheap, cheap foreign child's bowling toy with a tragically and hilariously misspelled sound effect! Just take a look, and see if you don't agree!

(click to enlarge)

So, please Santa, we've give so much to the Internet: Furniture Porn, The Rocklopedia Fakebandica, Violated By Bears Man, and a fake proposal for free hearing aids that blast you with ads that yet people somehow think is a real product. Isnt' it time that the Internet gave back to us, just a tiny, little, eentsy-weentsy bit? We'll be your best friend for life!! You won't have to give us a present ever again, ever!

Sincerely,
The Van Gogh-Goghs

Posted by Theo at 01:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The Van Gogh-Goghs are tired of hearing about how horribly wrong your holiday dinner went with your family and friends. Judas Priest, people! How hard is it to sit down for an hour or three and eat and act like civilized doofi? We here at the Van Gogh-Gogh Institute of Having a Dignified Meal Once a Year want to show you all how proper people enjoy a holiday feast. Watch and learn!

Additional Thanksgiving Day links:

What Thanksgiving means to Mythical Creatures
The Story of the Real First Thanksgiving
How to Win the Wishbone Pull
Quiz: Tron or the 1st Thanksgiving?
Thanksgiving Day Costumes
20 Thanksgiving Myths
Thanksgiving Day Conversation Stoppers
Thanksgiving Day Eating Games
The Hand Thanksgiving
Ham-Bone Pie
Turn Your Head and Cough #13: Thanksgiving
How to Win the Thanksgiving Day Food Fight



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Posted by Theo at 09:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This WTF Friday salutes Love and Marriage, 1950s Christian Sex Manual Style!!! Contrary to popular belief Jesus, is totally cool with you knockin' da boots- as long as it's with your wife. In this booklet, Plain Talk about Love and Sex for Christian Young People, the good William W. Orr A.B., M.A., Th.B., D.D. presents us with a few choice paragraphs:

Aw COME ON!!! You spend the whole book telling them to wait for the wedding night, and then you STILL want them to slow down!? No wonder your religion's losing ground to Wicca.

Remember- this was written decades before Maxim magazine or Pants-Off Dance-Off even existed! But garsh! So it's the "age of the brassiere?" hunh? Oh, that poor, poor old man- I only hope God called him home before the 1960s destroyed every last ounce of hope he had in humanity. Also, you must now go and start a band called "Sex Wackey." Bonus points if it's Christian rock.

"The sex nectar will never lose its tangy zest." Wow. I think this passage means that you're supposed to swallow. I could be wrong. Also, you must now go and start a band called "Sex Nectar." Bonus points if it's Christian rock.

Posted by Theo at 02:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)